Dear Panini,
Our time together was short, but it was chock full of memories. A lot of them was fun. Some were funny. Some parts were full of frustration. And several were sad.
I had seen you a long time before we actually met. I don’t remember how long. I saw you at the bottom of that glass box. I never saw you clearly, but never moved, nor did you have the space to. Each time I went back there, I saw you. You never changed. You doesn’t look very happy.
I remember why I thought about taking you in. Half of my reasons were selfish, half of them were because I kept thinking of you. You were the last duprasi I’d ever seen around, and I wanted to have you. You were interesting to me. And I was truly sad to see you sitting in the glass box every time, and I still never quite had a good look on you. All I saw was a ball of fur, hunched over and your head hung low.
And then I decided that I would bring you home with me. It’s a tough decision for me, because having you will mean another pet in my tiny room. It would surely give me a couple troubles. But I’m thinking you didn’t have much time left, did you? I wanted to make your last time in the world a bit more enjoyable.
That’s when I started to get to know you. You were dumped into the carrier I brought, so I thought you bite, and they were afraid. You were so confused when you were moved. Car trip wasn’t fun, was it? But halfway home you decided everything is alright, and you flipped on your back and dozed off. You were such a goof!
It was so much fun! I set up a home for you. It’s not big, but when was the last time your whiskers don’t touch a wall when you turned around? I had a lot of little houses for you, but you liked the cardboards best. My spare wheel was tiny, but you worked your old bones on it! I couldn’t believe how fast you were. I never saw you moved that quickly before. I was so happy to finally see you sniffing and bounding around.
But as soon as you settled, a problem surfaced. I didn’t like the food they served you in the pet store, but you didn’t like the food I’m offering you. And most of the time you didn’t want to eat anything. You were getting thin, and thinner. I was so worried. Everyone helped me to find something you’ll eat, and help you put on a weight. People who had never met you cheered for you. But it was so hard to get you eating.
You were wary of me, but you were so chill when I picked you up. You’d lay there flat on my palm, looking so relaxed. Hence your name Panini, you flat bread. I syringe-fed you some milky-food, and you’d lap it up. It’s not enough to keep your weight up though. I started to wonder if I was not making everything worse for you. Would you be happier in the glass box?
But then everything kept looking up day by day. I found more food you will eat. You started eating more and finally, not losing weight. That was one of the best time. My doubt was washed away, and I know I did the best thing by taking you in.
We got to know each other better after that. You were not very fond of being picked up, but you’d never try to hurt me. You would still lay there on my palm if I ever need to pick you up. I loved watching you running around your home. Sometimes you turned everything upside down while you dig around, giving me extra work for the day. I wasn’t mad, I found it funny. You gave me something else to attend to and got my mind off things while I was stressed out.
My favorite thing was your eyes. They are so huge and expressive. You always stared at me with those round black beads. The reflected light made them looked like tiny galaxies. I could look at them forever.
You were my favorite thing to draw! You resembled my past hedgehog Milkiey. I imagined a world where you two would be friends. You reminded me of him a lot, and that made me grow fonder of you. I kept drawing you and him together.
You should take a look of my desk. You were everywhere on it. It’s because I thought of you a lot.
Throughout the months you kept running into trouble. Broken toe, fleas, mushy poop. It’s not very fun for both of us. Even though you had gone through so many bad things, you always pulled through. Then you made a chill face, and reassured me everything was fine.
So I thought your last trouble was just another one of them. It was probably nothing, I thought. You probably would be okay. I did everything I could to help you go through it. But you were steadily getting weaker. You were so pale and cold. Your eyes were glued shut. You struggled when you walked. You looked very tired. The vet said you were getting old. That’s when I realized... it’s probably your time.
I didn’t know what to do... you looked so helpless. I tried to keep you warm and comfortable, but you didn’t look better. I didn’t know how long you were going to last. I wasn’t too ready to see you go. I had hoped to see you open your eyes again and bounce back to life. I kept holding on to you... as you were holding on... for me.
At the last night when I held you to give you water... I thought to myself that I hated to see you this weak. I hated that I can’t do anything for you. You looked like you might go away any second... I had to keep looking to your furry back if your ribcages still went up and down as you breathe. I silently questioned why are you still holding one, what for. Then I told you it’s alright. It’s alright if you have to go. I’ll be fine. I don’t want to see you struggling like this. It’s alright, you don’t have to keep holding on. Everything will feel better for you once you’ve let go...
You didn’t go that night. I left you in your home again to eat and sleep. I also went to sleep... and dreamt about you, Panini. You were staring at me with those eyes again. You were leaping and climbing on your favorite little cottage and you looked fine. It was a nice dream... and it was too good that I knew that it was a dream.
When I woke up you were already long gone. Somehow I already expected it. Somehow I was relieved. I’m sad to see you go... but I’m glad you are no longer suffering. It only broke my heart that I couldn’t see your eyes in our last days together.... my favorite galaxy eyes.
I wish you well my sweet little boy. Thank you so much for the joy you’ve brought me.